Ed Woodward: Morning Dave! How are you today?
[Ed Woodward stops as he sees David Moyes who is playing with an old Subbuteo set on his desk, mumbling to himself as his twitching hands jerkily manipulate the pieces across the ‘pitch’]
[David Moyes looks up and shakes his head as if to gather himself]
David Moyes: Oh, hi Ed! I was just trying to work out what went wrong against Fulham the other night. I’m baffled. We put in more crosses than any team ever in the history of football and we still only managed a draw. It doesn’t make any sense. What more could we have done?
EW: I know, Dave. Listen, don’t worry about it. It’s gone now. Fulham were a tough nut to crack. Arsenal should be easier, right? Anyway, that’s kind of why I’m here today, Dave. I’ve got some really good news for you.
DM: [perks up a little] Good news? I haven’t had any of that for a while. What is it?
EW: Well Dave. We’ve been watching your erm… progress… since arriving here at Manchester United and we feel that perhaps you didn’t fully appreciate the size of the job before you came. It has certainly been an eye-opener for us, too. We didn’t realise just how much Sir Alex had to deal with when we appointed you. It’s a whole different ball game to … where were you before?
EW: Yes, Everton… of course. Yes, much bigger here at United. More demands on the manager. More expectation. We feel that you perhaps need a bit of a helping hand. Someone to take some of the load and let you concentrate fully on those things you do best. So… we’ve appointed a Director of Football! He’s here now, should I call him in? [Without waiting for Moyes to respond, Ed Woodwards calls out…] Alex!
[Alex Ferguson bounds into the room sporting a huge smile]
Sir Alex Ferguson: Daaaviiiiddd!!! How are you old son?
DM: Err… hiya Alex. What…?
SAF: Dave, remember I always said that I’d be here if you need me? Well, here I am!
EW: [Cutting in] We just want to stress that you’re still the manager, Alex will just be helping out with some of your duties.
DM: Such as?
EW: Well, initially, it will be restricted to things like player recruitment, tactical direction and first team selection… that kind of thing.
DM: Uh? Who will be coaching the team?
SAF: Oh, don’t worry about that. You’ll still be involved in the coaching. I thought you could take the session every Monday.
DM: Every Mon…!!?? Wait a minute! We don’t even have a session on Mondays, that’s the players’ day off!
SAF: Yes but if you could put the cones out and stuff, that would be a massive help for us coming in on Tuesday.
DM: I don’t know… something doesn’t seem right about this… I just can’t seem to put my finger on what it is.
SAF: It’s for the best Dave. It’ll all work out. Just you wait and see. Oh, Dave, can you do me a favour? I left my briefcase outside, could you get it for me? My hip’s playing up a bit today.
DM: [still in a slight state of shock and confusion nods weakly, gets up and walks out of the room to retrieve SAF’s briefcase. When he comes back in the room, SAF is sitting behind the desk] What the?
SAF: Ahh. That feels better. I love this chair. Does wonders for my old back.
EW: I think we’ll just leave Alex to it eh, Dave? Come on, we’ll go and have a spot of lunch. I wanted to talk to you a bit about Press Conferences. I find your technique fascinating…